Gotta love AZ

I just had this sent to me and had to post it. Laughed so hard!

To those of you not in Arizona, this is what the majority of Arizonans think is perfectly normal. However, we up in the mountains of Arizona know better.


HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA.

1. "Phoenix" actually consists of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, Mesa, Gilbert, Glendale, and half of the Mexican border.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. And this is not an exaggeration.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy". And if you actually do go the posted speed limit, they take your picture and mail it to you with the title "Wussy" right across the top.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tire go second.
However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's an offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs,barrels, cones, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, rabbits,vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. The SR 51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
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Living in Phoenix

Dear Mom

May 30

Just moved to Phoenix. Now this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings, what a place! I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up, Got to 108 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home. .Drive an air-conditioned car... What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants. Lots of cactus and rocks, what a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, But I love it here.

July 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy today. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than expected.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work, what a dumb thing to do, I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol'sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I missed Tubbie (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Tubbie had died and swollen up to size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though, no more pets in this heat.

July 25th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now, $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th

Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $900 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman, I hate this stupid city.

Aug 8th

If another wiseass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat.

Aug 9th

Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts and sat on the black seats in the ol'car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smell like burnt hair, fried ass and baked cat.

Aug 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. "Hot and sunny", "Hot and sunny", "Hot and sunny" It's been too hot for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1,700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat!

Aug14th

Welcome to HELL ! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, '' Hot enough for you today?'' My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Hopefully I will get the vacation update posted tomorrow.